The Intelligence You Can’t See: Why We Misunderstand Each Other
The Secrets Behind “Special Needs” And The Ones Who Suffer In Silence
Years ago I was speaking with a friend who was having trouble understanding me. It was frustrating for us both.
He is extremely intelligent, though impatient. Incredibly strong and full of integrity. A heart of gold, though easily wounded.
I have always admired and valued him, despite his frequent lack of patience, appreciation, and compassion with me.
I understood from the moment we met as children that he was raised in a world so vastly different from mine.
While no doubt challenging, my friend has never had to fight for his safety the way I have, and I never wanted him (or anyone) to really know what I’d lived.
Ultimately, our relationship ended due to a communication breakdown he was unwilling to work through with me.
This is the essence of war. War within households. War within companies. War within communities. War within worlds.
The Challenge of Being Understood
I process the world differently from most people. My brain is wired for survival, for reading between the lines, for absorbing what’s left unsaid rather than taking things at face value. This has helped me in many ways, but it has also led to me being misunderstood my entire life.
From an early age, I had to learn how to interpret my surroundings quickly. I didn’t have the luxury of assuming people’s words matched their intentions. I had to study body language, tone, energy shifts, and the underlying patterns in human behavior to navigate my reality safely.
Because of this, my communication style can be unusual. I often process information in ways that don’t fit into the standard structure of a conversation. I may pause longer before speaking, or I might connect seemingly unrelated ideas that make perfect sense to me but seem like a leap to others. Sometimes, when I struggle to express something verbally, it’s because my thoughts are moving faster than my ability to form words.
Most people who hear me speak today would never believe that in 4th grade I developed a stutter. It still comes out occasionally when I’m stressed. Because of my early programming and practiced behavior as a problem solver, I figured out how to manage it.
I also suffered with asthma as a young teenager after returning from living with my father’s brother and his wife in North Carolina in sixth grade, which plagued me throughout many of my adult years, though I haven’t required an inhaler to manage it for quite some time.
Epilepsy and Lupus are chronic maladies which are said to require constant monitoring and lifelong pharmacological treatments. Somehow, I’ve been able to keep them under control without drugs after years of allopathic interventions.
The Limits of Traditional Communication
Recently I saw a news segment about a man with a stutter from one of the popular survival game shows, getting to tell the world how best to communicate with him.
For ten years the man had applied to be a contestant on the show and was rejected, but it was his dream to compete so he never gave up. Finally, he made the cut.
In a scene during filming, the show host gave him an opportunity to speak, telling the other contestants and the camera the best way to support him. All they need to do is slow down and wait for him to get the words out.
His internal thoughts are as clear to him as anyone else’s are to them, though it takes time for him to communicate via words.
That’s pretty inconvenient and expensive if you’re conducting an audit based on numbers or living by a timeclock based on societal expectations, though priceless if you can learn to see things a little differently.
Just because someone is observed as intellectually inferior, considered stupid, or said to be unworthy does not mean it’s so. God makes no mistakes. Not a single one.
“We who are strong ought to bear with the failings of the weak and not to please ourselves. Each of us should please our neighbors for their good, to build them up.” (Romans 15:1-2)
The Reality of Nonverbal Intelligence
We are quick to judge intelligence based on articulation and verbal speed, but intelligence takes many forms.
People with conditions such as Parkinson’s, Alzheimer’s, ALS, and Multiple Sclerosis experience a gradual decline in their ability to communicate verbally, but their awareness and intelligence remain intact. The same applies to those who are nonverbal autistic or have suffered neurological injuries. Just because the world cannot hear them does not mean they do not have something worthwhile to say.
This bias towards spoken communication is deeply embedded in society. We assume those who cannot speak fluently lack intelligence, yet there are countless cases where individuals who were thought to be incapable of thought, later demonstrated profound awareness when given the right tools to communicate.
The failure isn’t theirs—it’s in our unwillingness to hear them on their terms.
Intelligence Beyond the Surface
If intelligence is not solely about speech, then how else do we measure it? The answer lies in a broader understanding of human ability.
1. IQ (Intelligence Quotient) – Measures cognitive intelligence, problem-solving ability, and logical reasoning.
2. EQ (Emotional Quotient) – Measures emotional intelligence, self-awareness, empathy, and interpersonal skills.
3. SQ (Spiritual Quotient) – Relates to a person's sense of purpose, values, and connection to something greater than themselves.
4. AQ (Adversity Quotient) – Also called resilience quotient, measures one's ability to navigate challenges and setbacks.
5. CQ (Cultural Quotient or Creativity Quotient) – Cultural intelligence (CQ) measures one's ability to work across different cultural contexts, while creativity quotient (CQ) measures divergent thinking and problem-solving ability.
6. PQ (Physical Quotient) – Measures physical intelligence, health, and somatic awareness, influencing how a person manages energy and vitality.
7. FQ (Financial Quotient) – Reflects financial literacy, decision-making around money, and economic adaptability.
8. XQ (eXperiential Quotient) – Captures how well a person learns and integrates life experiences into wisdom.
Understanding intelligence in this way allows us to appreciate people’s unique strengths rather than dismissing them based on limited criteria.
A Larger Truth: Seeing With the Eyes of God
The real question is not whether someone can communicate in the way we expect, but whether we have the patience and humility to meet them where they are.
Scripture teaches us:
“But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God has chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty.” (1 Corinthians 1:27)
The way we measure intelligence, ability, and worth is often flawed. We elevate those who fit a certain mold while overlooking the quiet, the unconventional, and the unseen. But God does not measure as we do. He sees the wisdom in those we ignore, the depth in those we underestimate.
If we truly want to understand others, we must be willing to let go of our biases and listen—not just with our ears, but with our hearts.
Perhaps true wisdom isn’t found in what we think we know but in our willingness to learn from those we’ve never truly seen.