It's A New Dawn, It's A New Day

It's A New Life For Me And I'm Feeling Good!

“You’re not dying” he said with the left corner of his lips curled slightly upwards, gently plumping and creasing the skin under his eye.

That’s what my doctor told me yesterday at my post-surgery follow up appointment.

“And it’s not cancerous” he continued.

Hallelujah!

Last week I was gifted with a new lease on life and as much as I’d like to be able to express how that feels, I’m struggling to find the appropriate words.

Adjusting to this “new normal” every moment of every day is surreal and I don’t anticipate these feelings to dissipate anytime soon.

It’s so complex and I suspect that over time I’ll have a more evolved understanding of what to share and when, so that my perspective can provide value to you.

Right now I’m still recovering and I want to allow this process to take as much time as it needs.

I want to recover.

I do not want to rush, even though I’ve expertly trained myself to do so.

I want to recharge.

I want to refuel.

I want to revive.

My doctor said that now that the tumor is out he believes everything will naturally return to homeostasis.

It’s completely logical and I want to believe that.

Still, believing it requires me to be living a new reality.

After progressively and painfully losing control over my body, my mind, and my lived circumstances…

After accepting the fact that my physical existence was merely a byproduct of the internal systems in my body minimally functioning and the kindness of strangers who made space for me in their experience of life…

After giving up on just about all my internal drive and desires and simply allowing for the process of life and death…

Physically, I feel whole again.

I feel stable in my body.

I feel solid on the earth.

Physically I am present.

Mentally and emotionally… I’m still getting there.

Somehow I’d expected to just bounce “back to normal” and that’s not how it works apparently.

It’s a much slower process.

I get to appreciate that after so many months of stumbling over myself I can once again walk without watching the ground…

What a privilege it is to be able to take the kitchen garbage to the dumpster without devising a plan…

I can finally enjoy the idea of cross-country road tripping again after struggling just to make it 30-minutes down the road safely.

My historical tendency to jump back into the saddle and start producing immediately again after an upset is finally nonsensical to me.

I realize now that I have to move forward differently than I ever have before.

My habitual tendencies that previously kept me functional were created under great stresses, which inadvertently kept me in a near constant state of survival mode for decades.

I can’t go back to behaving in ways that force my internal crisis manager to be on alert anymore.

I have to learn to live better.

I have to learn how to let myself ride along with others controlling the steering wheel.

I have to learn how to let myself be loved.

That is now my work moving forward.

Remembering what really matters every single day for the rest of my life, and acting accordingly.

What’s your work?